Just Give Me A Reason
by whisper2ascream333
Summary: In the city that never sleeps, it seems as if surprises aren't in short supply. It's been a year since Eli has last seen or heard of Clare but as New York City becomes home to both exes, he soon learns that even the Big Apple might not be large enough to keep them apart. With old feelings never too far out of reach, could another shot at love be closer than either of them think?


_Why I can't explain why it's not enough__  
__Cause I gave it all to you__  
__And if you leave me now__  
__Oh just leave me now__  
__It's the better thing to do__  
__It's time to surrender__  
__It's been too long pretending__  
__There's no use in trying__  
__When the pieces don't fit anymore__  
__The pieces don't fit anymore…_

Prologue  


"Ladies and gentlemen Air Canada flight 809 nonstop from Toronto to New York City is now boarding," a woman's voice announced over the loud speaker.

Eli remained frozen in his seat, his shaky hand gripping the strap on his carry-on duffle bag. Across from him sat his parents, Bullfrog working hard to keep his face serene but beside him, his wife wasn't able to mask her emotion. It pained Eli to see his parents this way but they both knew this day would come eventually. From the moment his acceptance letter came into the mail months before, the proverbial countdown to life in another country had begun. But nothing could really prepare him for this. In his mind's eye he'd seen it all so differently, one very crucial person now missing from the equation.

He hated himself for even allowing the thought to come to mind but it was the unspoken elephant in the room and the only reason why he hadn't collected his things after the announcement and settled into seat number 28C. He was waiting, deliberating and essentially warring with himself. He appreciated the fact that his parents didn't shed light on it, though he felt confident in saying they knew why he was hanging around the gate now. Once more he was putting the power into her hands and his gut instinct was telling him it wouldn't amount to anything, that he would be let down one final time and have to face the blaring sting of rejection. But his stubborn, maybe even idealistic nature was what kept him planted in the too stiff metal chair.

One more chance was what he had settled on granting her, allowing her one more shot at making things right and enabling her to come to her senses. So many times Eli was quick to write it all off as a mistake, a misunderstanding brought on by fear or something of the sort. Things had been seemingly perfect for the two and in the blink of an eye, life as he knew it had not only been turned upside down but completely ruined. This wasn't the plan Eli had in mind but quite the opposite. It troubled him to no end to see how drastically things had changed in one swift move, far too fast for him to even salvage it. Now he was left standing in the ruins of what once was and the worst part of all was not knowing whether or not she regretted her decision.

His eyes closed faintly as the night of the end of summer bash played back like a broken record. He'd long since lost track of how many times he revisited that particular memory. Perhaps it might have been safe to call him a masochist, torturing himself over and over again. By now he thought maybe he would have built up some type of resilience to it, an immunity of some kind but the memory hurt just as much as the real thing itself, his wounds still far too fresh two weeks later.

Dropping his bag to the ground, his eyes flickered to his parents, Cece's head now resting against Bullfrog's shoulder as she tried discreetly to wipe the tears from her eyes. His father wasn't too big on emotion if he could help it but Eli could see the strain in his eyes as if he was fighting with himself to keep it together for both his sake and his wife's.

Their love was something Eli had grown up being curious about. They'd married their best friend and seemed to find new ways to love each other every day. He knew it was a rare occurrence and for a time, Eli had convinced himself that he found that in high school. He thought himself lucky to be in love, to find "the one" so early on in life. Now he was left wondering whether it was legitimate or if he had merely deluded himself into thinking so. She'd said it herself but he didn't want to believe it, to buy into the notion that somehow their love wasn't one for the storybooks. Nothing else could explain how someone as beautiful and kindhearted as her could fall for someone as flawed as him.

It didn't make sense while it was happening and now even in hindsight, Eli was still reeling. Their relationship had taken so many twists and turns that most days Eli wasn't sure where they would wind up but this was not the ending he would have chosen for them, not by a long shot. To think that after all they'd gone through the two would split because of something as basic as distance didn't sit well with him. But it was clear he didn't have a real say in the matter, the decision made for him no matter how much he disagreed with it.

In his eyes this was nothing more than a waste of time but more than that, he worried this would truly be it for them. The finality of her tone was unmistakable but still he hoped against hope that she would realize just how wrong she was. Everyone made mistakes; Eli's list alone was about a mile long. All she had to do was show up now and it would be all Eli needed to take her back in a heartbeat. But as the seconds turned into minutes, the window of opportunity was shrinking. Despite how hard he tried not to get his hopes up, he couldn't help but search the crowd of people for the familiar face. But with each one that didn't turn out to be the one he was looking for, he grew more discouraged, his nerves getting the best of him as he grew slightly on edge.

Turning his vision from the sea of strangers, he focused back on his parents and the wistful smile painted on his mother's lips. She knew just as well as he did that the odds weren't looking too good for the girl to come crashing back into his life but still- for his benefit- she did her best to remain hopeful. While it was a nice gesture, it made him feel sick to his stomach. Now should have been a time where his anxiousness was born out of embarking on the next chapter of his life, not only starting university but moving and living on his own in another country. But all of that failed in comparison to the way his heart raced now at the thought of never seeing her again.

That final image of her quite literally walking out of his life wasn't the one he wanted to have when heading to New York but it seemed highly probable that it was the one she would leave him with. It hardly seemed fair but Eli had spent the last two weeks trying his best to cope. Too much in his life was changing in practically no time at all, leaving Eli to have to fend for himself- and fast. He couldn't afford any slip ups, not this close to starting at his dream school. The weight of his untimely breakup was getting to him but he knew better than to allow himself to get off course and throw away all that he'd worked so hard to accomplish over the years.

He wasn't sure why she hadn't given fair warning or alluded to the fact that a breakup was on the horizon. To his knowledge they were in such great shape but that night changed everything in an instance. He went from floating on cloud nine to living out his own personal brand of hell. For someone on the outside looking it, it might have seemed a touch on the dramatic side but for someone like Eli, it was all too fitting. He wasn't sure how he would fare at school now that he didn't have his number one line of support in his life anymore. It would have been hard to just be her friend, to revert back to such a basic level after the whirlwind romance the two shared but it would have been better than the current reality he found himself facing. Having his parents there with him now meant the world to him but he couldn't deny the fact that he would have liked to see her one more time. He could accept it if she'd shown up just to see him off and nothing more but by the looks of things, that was clearly asking for too much.

Eli watched the throng of people lessen bit by bit, the line growing shorter and seats around him emptying but still he remained in place. He didn't want to go until it was absolutely final, giving her every last second he possibly could before he would have to give in and catch his flight.

Fishing into his pocket, he took out his phone, checking in vain for a missed call or text from her. The only thing to be found was the last text he'd sent her that never got a response. It was a last ditch attempt to get her there to the airport, Eli giving her all the details of his flight such as the time and gate number. The ball was in her court at this point and it scared Eli to think she wouldn't even bother to take a shot. For whatever bit of sanity he had left, he needed to hold onto some hope that she would turn up in the nick of time and wish him well instead of giving him nothing but silence in return.

If he were being honest he could admit that he was only setting himself up to be let down and he knew it. Her words were very clear that night, not allowing for any gray area or room for confusion. It was evident from the moment she spoke –-and even more pronounced afterwards in the silence that followed—that she had every intention of leaving them with a clean break but with how dependent and trusting he'd grown to be on the girl, there was no such thing as getting closure on the situation. The proverbial scars had been etched deeply into his heart, leaving it marred and mangled, tossed away at her earliest convenience. He wondered what she would be up to for her final year but it pained him too much to think of her moving on to someone else, citing proximity as the reason why it only made sense to branch out to someone that was still in the same school, city, and country for the matter.

His mouth twisted into a grimace just then, his emotion and outlook on the matter changing into one of irritation but soon his expression evened out as he caught sight of something.

A few feet away he could see a couple embracing, the girl's face nestled against the guy's chest as his arms held onto her securely. Even from a distance he could see just how distraught she was. Although he didn't know either of them, he felt their pain as if it were his own because—in essence at least—he knew their plight and could empathize entirely. The only difference was he lacked the one person he wanted to embrace before setting off and suddenly he felt a bit envious of these two strangers.

It was irrational, he knew it, but all the same it served as yet another reminder of the fact that he was going this alone—save for his parents who of course wouldn't have missed his send off for anything. It was important enough to them but the same couldn't be said for her, the girl he'd devoted so much time and attention to. It didn't seem like a good way to end things but she had already said her goodbyes two weeks ago, freeing herself of the obligation of having to part ways at the last minute.

A part of him had to wonder if she had the right idea all along. Looking once more to the couple, he could hear the choking sobs of the girl, her shoulders heaving as she clung so desperately to the material of her lover's shirt as if the simple task alone would be enough to keep him in place as she claimed him as her own. He tried imagining him and Clare in that scenario and admittedly, the mental image alone was hard enough to accept. The real thing would have been brutal but Eli would have preferred it to the loneliness, he decided.

He could picture what it would be like to hold her in his arms, to soothe her as best he could though nothing would be able to delay the inevitable. But in those last few precious moments, he would make the best of each second. He would dedicate each one to telling her how much he loved her, making promises he had every intention of keeping in saying he would call and text every day he was gone. She would undoubtedly cry and in turn, he would as well, no matter how hard he would have fought to keep his composure. He would have kissed her in a way neither of them had ever kissed before with a sense of heightened urgency and care. It would have left them both breathless and made him question why he was even choosing to leave town in the first place.

The urge to stay in Toronto would have been overwhelming but she would have wished him the best, told him just how proud she was of him and how much she knew he would do well. Her faith in him would have restored all that he'd lost in himself for the mere fact that, like always, she was his muse. If she had every bit of confidence in him, he would have found it within himself, even if he had to dig deep within the trenches to find it.

She'd offer up a smile though it would be saddened, not touching her eyes completely but he would appreciate the effort nonetheless. He would have tucked her curls behind her ear slowly, gently allowing his fingertips to graze the skin before pulling her in for one final kiss before he couldn't hold off any longer.

She would have stood in place to see him go, waving small as he looked over his shoulder one last time before disappearing onto the plane that would take him into the next part of his life. But one foot would still be in the past until she would be by his side once more. He would have taken a part of her with him as he'd have left a piece of him behind in exchange.

He could see it all so clearly in his head but that was the only place such a scenario would live, along with the memories that would infiltrate without his consent. He would have given anything to go back in time and delete that night from existence but as it were, nothing could undo the damage that had already been done.

* * *

The scene was like any other, a house crammed to the max with teens, a keg placed out back and red Solo cups littering the ground and occupying the hands of people who were under the legal drinking age. But it was the end of a summer and a party no less, the combination alone just begging for something major to take place. It felt customary almost, like an unspoken tradition that some life altering event—no matter how highly it ranked on the proverbial scale—should take place at said gatherings.

The party was held at the Torres residence. Somewhere along the line, the house became notorious for parties though Eli had it on good authority that Audra Torres had never been one for such things. However whenever she and her husband were away, her two sons deemed it the perfect time to plan accordingly. With the two brothers ready to kick off their senior year together (a second go around for the elder), there wasn't a single detail that was spared in their quest to throw the most unforgettable end of summer/back to school party in Degrassi history, or so Adam had taken to calling it since he and his brother nominated themselves to be trusted with the daunting task.

The pressure was on to make sure everything was perfect, Adam relying heavily on his musical prowess to create the "sickest" playlist. All the genres were covered and the end result was the right blend, each song transitioning fluidly into the next and keeping the whole party ablaze with thumping bass lines and intricate riffs. Eli had to hand it to his best friend. No one else could be trusted with such a job, his execution flawless.

In the weeks leading up to the party it seemed to be all Adam could talk about any time they hung out. On one particular visit -the day before the Torres bash- a night of gaming was replaced in favor of Adam hovering over his Macbook, iTunes open and headphones on. Eli couldn't knock him for his dedication though, realizing that was typically the same stance he wore each time he was working on an edit or piece of writing he was producing.

During a well-deserved and much needed break from his double life of DJ extraordinaire, Adam remembered he had company over in the form of a still Eli sprawled out on his bed with a very worn down, beaten up copy of the Bradbury classic _Fahrenheit 451_ in hand and iPod buds secured inside of his ears. As customary, Eli had taken a book along with him to hold him over until Adam resurfaced long enough to serve as a decent host and entertain him.

With music blasting furiously, it was impossible for Eli to hear Adam, his friend's voice lost in the sound complicated drum patterns reverberating in his eardrums. It took a pillow to the face to steal his attention away, to which Eli retaliated, lobbing the plush object right back at Adam.

Pausing the song, Eli took his earphones out , setting his iPod and book aside. The pages had been frayed from so many times of rereading that it he wouldn't have been able to tell which doggy eared page was the most recent.

"Is that any way to treat your guest?" he quipped, sitting upright.

"It is when you can't hear me over your heavy metal. It's a wonder you haven't gone deaf yet, dude."

"I've been conditioned. Once you're the offspring of Cece and Bullfrog Goldsworthy, things like that don't faze you. Anyway, what'd you want?" he asked, his arms crossing over his chest.

"Ah, yes, wrecking Lollapalooza, how could I forget?" Adam chuckled to which Eli rolled his eyes. "I asked if you're excited for tomorrow night."

"Parties have never really been my scene but the last time I was here for one, I had good luck so yes, I'm curious as to what tomorrow night has in store."

"No one can throw a party like us…well, mostly Drew and Dallas. I don't know how those guys do it but it's going to be _sweet_," he stressed, somehow managing to squeeze two syllables out of the word.

"It's going to be a total madhouse in here but the bright side is getting some more time with Clare, even if I'll have to share her with the masses for a little while."

"Well as my best friends, I grant you guys permission to use my room but please, don't be gross. I'd rather not have to question if my sheets are safe to sleep on," he grimaced, his face crumpling up as whatever images came to mind.

"I think we can control our hormones enough for one night so your bed would be safe," Eli assured, a laugh eliciting his lips.

Adam joined in his laughter though his face soon grew a bit serious, catching Eli off guard but he didn't press, instead waiting for him to speak after a moment.

"I can't believe you're really not going to be here this year," he lamented, looking up at the older boy.

Eli smiled thoughtfully, the expression dropping before he sighed softly.

"It's so odd knowing I'm starting a school year and you guys won't be there. But we're going to be okay, you know that, right?" he asked slowly, searching Adam's face though the boy was looking off distantly.

"Ad? We're going to be on Skype so much, you'll get sick of my face and wish the dorm's Wi-Fi would crap out. _That's_ how much I plan on keeping in touch with you," he joked though he meant it sincerely.

His musing seemed to do the trick as Adam's face contorted into a smile and a chuckle following soon after.

"I'm already tired of you seeing you now. No need to bug me when I'm surfing the internet," he quipped back, a playful grin on his face.

"I wasn't aware that term was even in the vernacular of teens these days."

"You're a fine one to talk with your vocabulary, Webster."

And just like that, the heaviness of before faded effortlessly as if it hadn't fallen at all. The boys were never overly sentimental with one another but had long since had a sense of camaraderie so deep that Adam felt like the brother Eli never had. His sense of loyalty and duty to his best friend had been tested so many times over the course of their friendship and vice versa, each time the two remaining a constant in each other's lives. That sense of security was something Eli knew he couldn't afford to lose and had promised to himself since he transferred to Degrassi during his grade eleven year to maintain. Adam had been the first person he opened up to about his past and the boy guarded his secret almost as if it were his own. From then on, between their shared love of _The Goon_ to incessant gaming, their friendship continued to grow.

"Wanna play some Atari?" Adam asked, springing up from his seat and moving over to his game console.

"Naturally," Eli replied, pushing himself off the bed and settling down on the ground in front the television.

As Adam began work on firing up the console, he tossed a controller to Eli who caught it and fumbled his thumbs mindlessly over the buttons as the screen came to life, the Atari logo emblazoned on the screen.

Sitting back against the front of Adam's bed, the two boys got themselves settled in as the game's main screen overtook, the electronic sounds filling the room as they began to play. With a controller in their hands and a competition in full swing, it didn't take long at all for the trash talking to begin between the two of them. It was to be expected of them, this routine they always found themselves, some things never changing.

* * *

Getting a word in edgewise as music poured out of the speakers but it would have been impossible not to mark the party as a true success. With each square inch of the house filled to capacity, the only safe zone was Adam's room. Keeping a hold of the two cups he had in his hands, Eli weaved through the throngs of students and up the stairs, amazing himself with the balancing act he restored to in order to open the door.

"It's a total zoo down there," Eli said, in lieu of a greeting as he kicked the door shut with his foot.

Handing Clare her drink as he settled on the ground beside her, the same spot he'd sat with Adam the night before. The walls weren't enough to block out the music entirely but at least inside the room, it was reduced to a muted noise, dull in comparison to what everyone else was hearing. Eli's eyes settled as they always did on Clare, taking in her demeanor and suddenly feeling uneasy. For it being a party, she didn't seem too happy, her fingertip tracing over the rim of her cup.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. Once met with silence, he tried once more. "Clare, you're starting to worry me. You've been acting strange all night. Are you feeling sick? Do you want me to take you home?"

Raising a hand to stop him, she shook her head, curls bouncing lightly as they framed her face.

"We need to talk."

Though her voice was just above a whisper, those four words hit Eli like a ton of bricks, his mind quickly going over their evening together and trying to decide where something went wrong. In his swift recap, he couldn't pinpoint anything out of the ordinary. He hadn't done or said anything that would upset her. From the time he'd picked her up, she felt distant but Eli didn't put much thought to it, instead hoping that once they'd arrived at the party, she would get back to her old self and snap out of whatever mood had fallen over her.

Naively he hoped that he was merely jumping the gun and assuming the worst but the phrase didn't bring any comfort to him, knowing it to be the four words no one in a relationship ever wanted to hear.

"Don't. If you're about to say what I'm thinking you are, then don't," he said slowly, unable to look at her just then.

"Eli, please just listen to me? I know right now you can't see where I'm coming from but-"

"Of course I can't, Clare. You're wrong," he countered, rising from his spot on the floor.

"I don't want to argue…to fight. I'm only trying to do the right thing here, that's it."

"You're giving up without even trying. You're giving up on us and because of what? Fear? Uncertainty? Enlighten me, please."

It was then that she stood as well, neglecting her cup just as Eli had on the ground. She took a step towards him but Eli moved back, surprising even himself with the gesture but saw the stunned expression mirrored in her features. She looked different to him now, so unlike the Clare he'd known since his arrival at Degrassi. The look of sheer loss and confusion struck him but he was far too upset to level with her now.

"I'm doing this for you. For us, really. You're heading off to the greatest city in the world. You're going to be busy and meet a ton of amazing people and come across fantastic opportunities. I don't want to hold you back."

"This was always the plan though," he spoke over her.

"All we have to do is get through this year and before you know it, you'll be in New York with me. You're just scared. You're not thinking clearly but that's okay. We can just put this behind us and get back to the party. Come on."

"It's not that simple, Eli. I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore."

"You can't do what? Fight for a relationship that's supposed to mean everything to the both of us? I don't understand you, Clare. I really don't."

"I just…I can't."

"Is there someone else? Do you want to explore your other options but just want to clear your conscience now because you can tell me."

"That's not it at all. Eli, I already told you. This is for you."

"But you're all I want. If you want to do something for my benefit here, say that you still want to be with me. Say this is all one big misunderstanding."

"I love you enough to do what's best. Maybe one day you'll thank me for this."

Without another word she looked at him for a moment before turning on her heels and heading for the door. All Eli's efforts to call her back amounted to nothing and even as he chased after her, albeit belatedly given the shock that had set in, Clare seemed to vanish in the heavy crowd—never to be seen again.

* * *

"This is the final boarding call for Air Canada flight 809 nonstop from Toronto to New York City," the announcer chimed once more, snapping Eli out of his reserve.

With the announcement over the loud speaker, the buzzer in Eli's mind went off, obnoxiously blaring but serving its purpose. He had made good on his end of the deal, giving Clare as much time as humanly possible to turn up. He hadn't been expecting her to but if she had, Eli certainly wouldn't have objected. She'd already made her stance clear, each unanswered call and text since that night acting as all the proof he needed not get his hopes up. But even with that evidence in place, a part of him did wish that Clare would prove him wrong. Moreover that she would see that they were worth fighting for.

She had gotten her final wish in not wanting to tie him down. As it were, there wasn't much else keeping Eli in place. Toronto would always be his home and host great memories but the weight of his relationship with Clare suddenly felt suffocating, the air in the room depleting with each inhale of breath.

Grabbing his bag, Eli stood up straight, glancing subconsciously over his shoulder. Turning back towards his parents, he smiled at Cece whose arms were wide open to him. Eli didn't hesitate in slipping into her embrace, soon feeling Bullfrog's arms around them.

All at once the full gravity of the situation began to hit him, his grip on his mother tightening reflexively until he broke away from her. His face was concentrated, working forcefully into a calm and collected mask though inside his emotions were getting the best of him.

"I'll call you guys the second I land so keep your phone on and for once, _actually_ hear it ring," he teased, kissing Cece on the cheek.

"It won't leave my sight for the next few hours, I promise."

"Alright, kiddo. This is it," Bullfrog boomed, his voice always a decibel or two above what was considered normal.

"Don't you guys miss me too much, okay? I love you."

He searched his parents' faces one last time. Though he'd known them his whole life, Eli couldn't keep from storing it all away in his mind, the watery glint in Cece's eyes as she fought back her tears for the umpteenth time since leaving the house and the look of sheer pride in his father's gaze.

Clutching the strap of his duffle, he waved to his parents before turning toward the gate, slipping his ticket and boarding pass to the attendant. His heartbeat was erratic in his chest, a divine mix of nerves and adrenaline coursing through his veins at the thought of what awaited him in just a few hours. Despite how torn up he was about not having Clare there, he couldn't refute the fact that it was a milestone in his life, a turning point and nothing (and no one for that matter) could take it away from him. Come what might have, he suddenly felt ready for it. For the first time in two weeks, felt ready to close the chapter on this part of his life and begin a new one.


End file.
